Working Class Don't Want Handouts, Says Person Giving Out Fewer Handouts
Wednesday, March 26, 2025
In a stunning coincidence that absolutely nobody saw coming, Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner has discovered that "working class people don't want handouts" at precisely the same moment her government needs to cut £5bn from the benefits system. What incredible timing!
According to the BBC, Rayner explained that "it's a working class thing that people do want to be able to provide for their families and themselves" and that "they don't want handouts, they want support."
This revelation conveniently arrived just days after the government announced plans to make it harder for people to claim disability payments. The cosmic alignment of working class desires and Treasury requirements is truly a wonder to behold.
Introducing the Class System Update: Experience Social Mobility™!
Speaking of class, we're excited to announce our new "Class System" update to Benefit Hero! Now you can experience the thrill of social mobility by progressing through 20 prestige classes - from "Destitute" all the way up to "Benefit Mogul."
Much like in real life, you'll need to accumulate vast sums of money before you can upgrade your class status. And just like the Deputy PM suggests, you won't get any "handouts" to help you advance - you'll just get "support" in the form of slightly improved income and energy regeneration rates with each class level.
Want to escape the working class? Just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and click that "Upgrade Class" button! (Warning: May require resetting all your progress and starting from scratch, much like real government policy).
The £1bn Magic Employment Wand
Rayner was quick to highlight that the welfare package includes £1bn to support "opportunities to get back into work." That's approximately £200 per disabled person affected by the cuts—surely enough to overcome any barriers to employment they might face!
This £1bn will presumably be used to wave away workplace discrimination, lack of accessible transport, insufficient workplace accommodations, and the reluctance of employers to hire people with unpredictable health conditions. After all, these are just minor inconveniences compared to the moral imperative of not receiving "handouts."
In our Class System, we've similarly included a "Wave Money at Problems" feature that lets you spend vast amounts of in-game currency for marginally effective solutions!
Nobody Says the Welfare System Works
"Nobody says at the moment that the welfare system works," Rayner helpfully pointed out. On this, we can all agree! Though perhaps for different reasons.
For many disabled people, the system doesn't work because:
- Assessments are humiliating and inaccurate
- The application process is Byzantine in its complexity
- Support levels are insufficient to cover basic needs
- Constant reassessments create perpetual anxiety
But fear not! The government has identified the real problem: too many people are receiving support. Once that's fixed, the system will surely work perfectly!
The Difficult Sell
Rayner admitted selling the cuts to Labour MPs had been "difficult."
In Benefit Hero terms, this is equivalent to our "Convince the Case Worker" challenge, where players must persuade someone that their obviously terrible idea is actually brilliant. The difficulty rating on this challenge varies by your prestige class - "Destitute" players find it nearly impossible, while "Benefit Moguls" can breeze through with a simple donation to the right cause.
Some Labour MPs have warned the cuts will push more disabled people into poverty, but others agree there is a "moral case" for reforming welfare to encourage people into work.
Coming Wednesday: The Spring Statement Surprise
Details of how many people will be affected by these cuts will be revealed alongside Wednesday's Spring Statement. It's like an advent calendar, but instead of chocolate, each window contains disappointment!
The Chancellor has promised not to raise taxes or increase government budgets, which means the £5bn has to come from somewhere. Given that the government has made "record investments" that cannot be undone, the only logical conclusion is that it must come from people who don't want "handouts" anyway.
How convenient!
The remarkable thing about statements like "people don't want handouts" is how they frame receiving support as a character flaw rather than a societal safety net that anyone might need at some point.
In Benefit Hero's new Class System, as in real life, advancing your status requires hard work, persistence, and the ability to navigate increasingly complex bureaucratic systems. But unlike the Deputy PM's vision, we don't pretend that everyone starts on a level playing field or that support systems are just "handouts" for people who lack motivation.
Perhaps the most honest approach would be to simply say: "We need to save £5bn, and we've decided to take it from disability benefits because it's politically easier than taxing wealth." It wouldn't be popular, but at least it wouldn't pretend that cuts align with the secret desires of those being cut.